A boundary is about what you’ll do, not what others must do

Key takeaways

• A healthy boundary describes your own actions, such as not answering work texts until the workday ends, rather than setting rules for another adult¹.
• When Australian researchers pooled six small randomized trials, assertiveness training eased social anxiety, but so few studies with so little follow-up leave the size of the benefit uncertain³.
• In a 2018 study of 253 university students, conflict openers that used “I” language and acknowledged the other person’s view were rated far less likely to make someone defensive¹¹.
• People-pleasing has a research name, sociotropy, and many studies tie it to depression; a review of 90 papers found women score somewhat higher than men⁵.
• If a partner’s control frightens you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline advises against confronting them and can help you plan for safety: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788¹³¹⁴. In a crisis, call or text 988¹⁵.

In July 2023, surfer Sarah Brady posted screenshots of text messages from her former boyfriend, actor Jonah Hill¹. In them, he listed things he wanted her to avoid, such as surfing with men and posting photos of herself in a bathing suit¹.

He called the list “my boundaries for romantic partnership”¹. The screenshots spread quickly, and so did a debate over whether therapy words like “boundaries” can dress up control¹.

Psychologist Lisa Marie Bobby, clinical director of a Denver counseling practice, told CNBC that a boundary concerns your own actions¹. A list of what a partner may do, in her reading, is about steering someone else. She noted that she wasn’t diagnosing either person¹.

A boundary is a clear statement of what you will and won’t do. It doesn’t need anyone’s permission, and it doesn’t hand out orders.

The skills behind it have been studied for decades under an older name: assertiveness. Below, we cover what that research shows, how culture shapes it and how to practice.

A boundary describes your actions, and control describes someone else’s

Bobby’s example: you can tell a partner they may text you during the workday, but you won’t reply until work is over¹. Compare that with “Don’t text me at work.” Both aim at the same result, but only the first depends on your own follow-through.

Psychologists place this on a line. At one end is passive behavior: going along and swallowing what you want. At the other is aggression: getting your way by pushing others down².

Assertiveness sits in the middle. It means stating openly what you want while respecting the other person’s rights². Behavior therapist Joseph Wolpe put it this way: assertion builds you up without tearing anyone else down².

In the early 1970s, psychologist Arnold Lazarus broke assertiveness into four abilities: expressing wants and needs, saying no, expressing feelings, and starting and ending conversations². Most boundary advice fits inside that list.

So where does control creep in? Bobby said anxiety often drives it. A worried person may decide their anxiety would ease if a partner stopped doing something, then label that demand a boundary¹.

A quick test: ask who has to change for the boundary to work. If the answer is only the other person, you’re making a request, stating a preference or trying to control them.

Requests are fine; healthy relationships run on them. But someone can turn down a request, while a boundary is what you’ll do either way.

Assertiveness training faded from view, but its evidence didn’t

Assertiveness had its heyday in the 1970s. The first popular book on it came out in 1970, and the skills spread alongside the civil rights and women’s movements².

Then research interest slipped. In a 2018 review titled “Assertiveness Training: A Forgotten Evidence-Based Treatment,” Stony Brook University psychologists counted 762 research articles on the topic from 1967 to 1999, about 23 a year². From 2000 on, they found 181, about 11 a year².

The authors note the techniques were folded into newer therapies, including dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), often without the old label².

For social anxiety, researchers at Australia’s University of New England pooled six small randomized trials covering a few hundred people³. In a randomized trial, people are assigned to groups by chance. Assertiveness training reduced social anxiety by a large amount compared with control groups, such as people on a waiting list³.

But results varied widely between studies, and only one trial checked on people afterward, at three months. The authors flagged both as reasons for caution³. We found the paper only on the university’s blog, not in a journal.

For depression, two small pooled analyses, with five and seven studies, found that social skills training with an assertiveness focus beat waiting lists and did about as well as other talk therapies². The Stony Brook authors call that evidence base small².

A 2017 review of eight studies found assertiveness training helped nurses and medical trainees speak up, mostly measured in simulations⁴. None of the studies checked whether patients fared better⁴.

How is it taught? Through rehearsal, a coach modeling the skill, feedback and practice between sessions². Training also tackles the fears that hold people back, because unassertive people often misjudge how others will react².

People-pleasing has a research name, and it tracks with depression

In 1983, psychiatrist Aaron Beck described a trait he called sociotropy⁵. It means putting so much weight on keeping relationships smooth that it starts to cost you.

Later researchers describe three parts: worry about what others think, depending on others for support and a strong urge to please⁵. Studies have found a consistent, moderate link between sociotropy and depression⁵.

Researchers treat it as a vulnerability: people high in sociotropy may be more likely to slide into depression when stressful events hit⁵.

In 2018, researchers Yang and Girgus pooled 108 results from 90 papers covering 30,372 people⁵. Women scored higher than men in 98 of the 108 results, though the overall gap was modest⁵.

The gap was larger in individualist countries than in collectivist ones. Only 10 results came from collectivist countries, so that finding is shaky⁵.

Hesitating to speak up isn’t always a thinking error. The Stony Brook review notes that assertive women can face a double bind. In one 1986 study of how observers saw assertive women managers, men viewed them positively and women viewed them negatively².

Saying yes to everything adds up. Our burnout article covers what helps when the load gets too heavy.

At work, some people blend and some separate, and fit matters most

In 2000, organizational researchers Ashforth, Kreiner and Fugate laid out what’s now called boundary theory⁶⁸. Every role you play, worker, parent or friend, has edges. Some people blend their roles, and others keep them apart⁸.

Each approach has a trade-off. Blending makes it easy to shift from role to role, but the lines blur and interruptions pile up⁸. Separating cuts down on spillover, but switching roles takes more effort⁸.

Ashforth’s team argued that people who blend have a harder time keeping limits that no rule or custom sets for them⁶.

In a 2006 survey of 360 university staff members, the more work seeped into home life, the more work-life conflict people reported⁶. Workers who blended more also set fewer limits on using phones, email and other technology for work at home⁶.

Researchers Kossek and Lautsch describe three styles: integrating, separating and alternating between the two⁷. They argue that feeling in control of the line is key, and that more control should mean less conflict between work and family⁷. A conference paper they cite found that people with little control reported lower job satisfaction and more conflict⁷.

How you hold the line matters, too. A 2016 survey of 639 full-time workers looked at four kinds of boundary tactics: time, physical space, behavior and communication⁸. Physical tactics, such as a separate work area, matched people’s preferences most closely and went with higher satisfaction and engagement⁸.

One result surprised us. Workers who leaned more on telling others about their limits reported lower satisfaction⁸. A one-time survey can’t explain why.

Our article on work stress covers right-to-disconnect laws.

Family and culture change what a good boundary sounds like

Much boundary advice assumes a culture that prizes the individual. That doesn’t fit everyone.

In 2004, psychologists led by Shelley Taylor reported three studies comparing how people cope with stress⁹. Koreans, and Asians and Asian Americans living in the U.S., reported leaning on social support less than European Americans did⁹. Worries about relationships explained the difference⁹.

A 2006 follow-up named those worries: burdening others, disturbing group harmony and bringing shame on oneself or one’s family¹⁰. The researchers described relationships in these cultures as less voluntary and carrying stronger obligations¹⁰.

Instead, many may draw comfort from simply spending time with family, without talking about the problem¹⁰.

In a family that values duty and harmony, a blunt “no” can sound like rejecting the family itself. That doesn’t rule out limits. It may mean voicing them differently.

These ideas are ours, drawn from that research:

• Offer what you can do alongside what you can’t. “I can’t host every Sunday, but I’ll bring dinner twice a month.”
• Choose a private moment, not a family gathering, so no one loses face.
• Ask a respected relative to help carry the message when direct talk would cause harm.
• Frame the limit around a shared goal, such as keeping the peace or caring for an aging parent well.

The Stony Brook review adds that culture and upbringing shape beliefs about assertiveness, a topic that needs far more study².

Natural-health traditions often see health as something that lives in families and communities, not only in one body. A good boundary can protect those ties by stopping resentment before it hardens. Your body’s signals, like dread before a visit or exhaustion afterward, are worth listening to as information.

Two tested ways to say it: “I” language and DEAR MAN

In 2018, researchers at Edith Cowan University in Australia asked 253 people to rate opening lines for six conflicts among partners, friends and coworkers¹¹.

Lines in “I” language were rated much less likely to make the listener defensive than lines built on “you”¹¹. Acknowledging the other person’s point of view helped even more. The best openers did both¹¹.

This is an example in our own words: “I know you’re slammed at work, and I feel stretched thin when dinner falls to me every night.”

There are limits. People rated written scenarios rather than living them, and all were university students, about three-quarters of them women¹¹.

DEAR MAN comes from the DBT skills materials written by psychologist Marsha Linehan¹². It belongs to the part of DBT that teaches asking for things and saying no, called interpersonal effectiveness². Each letter is a step:

• Describe the situation with facts only.
• Express how you feel and what you think, using “I want” rather than “you should.”
• Assert by asking clearly or saying no.
• Reinforce by explaining, ahead of time, the good that will come from a yes.
• Mindful: keep your eyes on your goal and hold your position without drifting off topic.
• Appear confident in your voice and posture.
• Negotiate by offering options or asking the other person for ideas¹².

We found no trials testing DEAR MAN on its own. Treat it as a helpful checklist, not a proven cure.

Your boundary builder

This is our own tool, and it hasn’t been tested as a package. Take one situation at a time.

1. Situation. What keeps happening? Stick to facts.
2. What I need. Name the need underneath, such as rest, respect, time or safety.
3. My script. Write one or two sentences in “I” language that say what you will do.
4. If it’s crossed. Decide in advance what you’ll do, not what they must do.

Three practice versions:

Setting	Situation	What I need	My script	If it’s crossed
Work	A coworker messages after 9 p.m. expecting quick replies	Evenings to rest	“I read work messages from 8 to 5, so I’ll answer evening messages first thing in the morning. If it can’t wait, please call.”	Keep work alerts silenced at night; answer at 8 a.m.
Family	A parent comments on your weight at every meal	Meals without criticism	“I know you worry about my health, and I love eating with you. I’m not going to talk about my body at dinner.”	Change the subject once; if it continues, step away from the table for a while
Friend	A friend borrows money and is slow to repay	Fairness, and keeping the friendship	“I care about you, and money between us makes me tense. I’m not able to lend money anymore, but I’m glad to help in other ways.”	Say no to new loans kindly and without long explanations

Start small, and say the script out loud a few times first. Expect pushback, and calmly repeat your point instead of arguing it again.

Notice that every “if it’s crossed” plan is something you control. That’s what keeps a boundary from turning into a threat.

What the evidence shows

Claim	What studies found	Evidence level
Assertiveness training eases social anxiety	Large effect in 6 small trials; wide variation and little follow-up3	Promising but early
Assertiveness-focused skills training helps depression	Beat waiting lists and matched other therapies in two small reviews2	Promising but early
Training helps health workers speak up	Improved skills in simulations; no patient outcomes measured4	Promising but early
“I” language lowers defensiveness	Clear effect in one study rating written scenarios11	Promising but early
People-pleasing (sociotropy) goes with depression	Consistent moderate link across many studies; cause unproven5	Promising but early (as a risk factor)
Letting work seep into home goes with more conflict	One-time surveys68	Promising but early
DEAR MAN works on its own	No stand-alone trials found	Not enough evidence
Confronting an abusive partner to set limits	Hotline advises against it because abusers may escalate14	Evidence says no, or unsafe (safety guidance, not trials)

When a boundary isn’t safe to set alone

Boundary advice assumes the other person, however annoyed, won’t hurt you. In an abusive relationship, that assumption can be dangerous.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes abuse as one partner’s choice to hold power and control. Standing up for yourself can prompt that partner to push harder, through manipulation or worse violence¹⁴. So the Hotline says that while you remain in the relationship, it never recommends a confrontation¹⁴. It suggests calling its advocates to talk through safety options or a plan to leave¹⁴.

The Hotline lists warning signs, and it says even one or two can be a red flag¹³:

• telling you that you can’t do anything right, or insulting and shaming you in front of others¹³;
• intense jealousy of your friends, or keeping you from friends and family¹³;
• controlling your money or limiting your choices about work or school¹³;
• threatening looks or actions, or threats toward your children or pets¹³.

You can call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788 or chat online, 24 hours a day¹³. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911¹³.

Some people struggle to set any limits because of depression or anxiety. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) says to talk with a health care provider if self-care doesn’t help mild symptoms or they get worse¹⁵. Seek professional help for severe symptoms that last two weeks or more, such as feeling hopeless, struggling to finish daily tasks, or changes in sleep or appetite¹⁵.

If you’re thinking about suicide or harming yourself, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org¹⁵. In a life-threatening emergency, call 911¹⁵.

Questions readers ask

The bottom line

A boundary is a promise you make to yourself about your own actions. It isn’t a rule for someone else, and it doesn’t need their agreement. The skills behind it, saying no, asking clearly and acknowledging the other person’s view, have a modest but real research base.

Fit your boundaries to your life, your work style and your family’s culture. Start small, use your own words and plan what you’ll do if a line is crossed. If speaking up could put you in danger, don’t do it alone: reach out to the Hotline or a counselor first.

Related reading

• Burnout starts on the job, and the best-tested fixes change the job
• Work stress has two classic recipes, and both show up in heart studies
• Emotional exhaustion isn’t only about work, since parents and helpers run dry too
• Venting on a punching bag fed anger in a lab, and calmer skills work better
• How to tell psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists apart

Sources

1. CNBC. “How to spot the difference between boundaries and control.” CNBC, July 12, 2023. cnbc.com
2. Speed BC, Goldstein BL, Goldfried MR. “Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment.” Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 2018;25(1):1–20. doi.org
3. Levens E, Malouff J, Mynadier J. “Efficacy of Assertiveness Training for Social Anxiety: A Meta-Analysis of Randomized Controlled Trials.” University of New England, Using Psychology blog (posted manuscript; no journal version found), May 29, 2023.
4. Omura M, Maguire J, Levett-Jones T, Stone TE. “The effectiveness of assertiveness communication training programs for healthcare professionals and students: A systematic review.” International Journal of Nursing Studies, 2017;76:120–128 (University of Technology Sydney record). opus.lib.uts.edu.au
5. Yang K, Girgus JS. “Are women more likely than men are to care excessively about maintaining positive social relationships? A meta-analytic review of the gender difference in sociotropy.” Sex Roles, 2018. oudev.stockton.edu
6. Olson-Buchanan JB, Boswell WR. “Blurring boundaries: Correlates of integration and segmentation between work and nonwork.” Journal of Vocational Behavior, 2006;68:432–445. interruptions.net
7. Kossek EE, Lautsch BA. “Work–family boundary management styles in organizations: A cross-level model.” Organizational Psychology Review, 2012;2(2):152–171. apps.it.purdue.edu
8. Carlson DS, Ferguson M, Kacmar KM. “Boundary Management Tactics: An Examination of the Alignment with Preferences in the Work and Family Domains.” Journal of Behavioral and Applied Management, 2016. jbam.scholasticahq.com
9. Taylor SE, Sherman DK, Kim HS, Jarcho J, Takagi K, Dunagan MS. “Culture and social support: Who seeks it and why?” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2004;87(3):354–362 (Ewha Womans University record). pure.ewha.ac.kr
10. University of California, Santa Barbara. “Research Shows Asian Americans Less Likely to Seek Social Support.” UCSB News, December 11, 2006. news.ucsb.edu
11. Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C. “I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.” PeerJ, 2018;6:e4831. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
12. University of Richmond Counseling and Psychological Services. “Improving Relationships Handouts” (adapted from Linehan MM, DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, 2nd ed., 2015). Accessed October 2026. caps.richmond.edu
13. National Domestic Violence Hotline. “Warning Signs of Abuse.” Accessed October 2026. thehotline.org
14. National Domestic Violence Hotline. “How Can I Talk to My Abuser?” Accessed October 2026. thehotline.org
15. National Institute of Mental Health. “My Mental Health: Do I Need Help?” Revised 2025. nimh.nih.gov